I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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