nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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