Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
