i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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