Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
