Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
