I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
