Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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