My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I will pee on everything he values.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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