i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
