from now on my penis is your penis
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
