Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
