My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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