I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So apparently I’m into choking now
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
