That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm having to shit out rocks
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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