He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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