my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
