Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
