47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
