what day is it and did you see me today?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
