He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
