Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
