It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
