I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
