I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Couch. On fire.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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