ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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