I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
