your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
