In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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