ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
