I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she peed on how many people?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
