I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
