Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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