see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
