i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
