She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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