haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
