In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's official drugs can't kill me
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
