that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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