I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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