im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
