i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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