Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
