You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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