Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
