Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
