sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
