Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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