I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
