woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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