I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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