ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
