Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad