you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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