you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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