you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
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He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
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What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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