i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
