what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dear god my vagina.
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