It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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