My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
