Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
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I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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