I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
