I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
