You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
