I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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